Reluctance

I heard a sermon about leadership last night. The pastor spoke about what it takes to be a leader (in a church setting). Many people ask God to use them in big ways without really understanding the depth of that prayer. God obliges, however, and may open many doors for people to step in as pastors, elders, teachers, etc. In a sense, God gives them a boost, so to speak. Everything is great when you start to lead people into God's love. However, this is just the "honeymoon period." As the months go by, you start to realize all the bad things your students/congregation bring to your ministry. You grow tired and weary of hearing the same people fail in the same ways. You want to harden your heart and just tell God to deal with them because you don't want to anymore.

This is kind of where I am right now. Not with my church kids, but with my friends. Fortunately (or unfortunately) for me, this is not the first time I have experienced this "weariness." There have been many times in my life that I have had to redefine my paradigm of what a friend is as a result of some disheartening event. Each time this occurs, I find that the rift between my friend schema and acquaintance schema grows wider. I experience a phase in which I feel like I have no more energy or desire to continue being a "good friend" to these people. I expend countless hours of time and energy helping them resolve their recurring issues, and I see no change. As a result, I feel no sense of accomplishment, no joy, no worth. I feel used, taken for granted, betrayed, abandoned... alone.

Do not be alarmed, however, as I am familiar with this downward spiral of suffocating thoughts. Soon enough, I emerge from the gloom of disappointment and resentment. For God has so blessed me with the inability to hold grudges. A "friend" may decide to disengage himself/herself from my life for months, years even, leaving me confused and hurt. But a single phone call, text, facebook wall post that invites me back into their lives is all it takes for me to forgive all. Sometimes, I wish that I could just isolate myself from people like this. Social butterflies, as some call them. I want to give up on them, forget about them, move on with my life. Alas, that is not how God wired me. I will always pick up where I left off without any hesitation. All the hurt that I felt will be pushed to the back of my head (but never forgotten) as I listen with a heart full of love to all the hardships that they may be facing, or a heart full of joy if they have been blessed during the moratorium of our relationship.

The pastor finished up his message with the story from Numbers chapter 16. Moses had every reason to give up on the people who betrayed him after all he had done for them. God wanted to punish them for their lack of faith and their arrogance. But Moses understand humility and begged for them to spared. While God still judged them, the point is the Moses never gave up on the Israelites despite all the crap they threw at him. That, is what a true leader is. God may give you a push in the right direction, but once you are at the podium, the only thing that will help you persevere is your own character. How you act when you are in the face of adversity, that is when your true character is revealed.

I am getting married in a little over a month. Crazy times, huh?

Life?

While studying for my upcoming CSET exam in biology, I came across this paragraph describing bacterial cells:

"You can have sex, with males possessing a sexual apparatus for transferring genetic information to receptive females. However, since you are both going 30 mph it is difficult to find each other. Furthermore, if you are male, nature gave you a severe problem. Every time you mate with a female, she turns into a male. In bacteria, "maleness" is an infective venereal disease"

Residual

Consistent Inconsistencies.

Blatant

Well, it has been quite some time...

It's interesting and perplexing how life unfolds. People change, kids mature, identities form, friends become enemies, enemies become friends... the huge list goes on. So what makes life so spontaneous, illogical, and confusing?

Imperfection.


This has nothing to do with what I wanted to write about. The main topic I wanted to discuss is my hair. Once I enter the professional world, I don't think it will be likely that I will be able to keep my current hairstyle. Bummer. Funny how something so simple can be so complex.

"The night is darkest before the dawn"

When Jesus asked us to follow Him, He wants us to follow Him. Not with reluctance, not in fear, not with doubt... but with all our hearts. I'm always reminded of Him because He tests us, sometimes, by picking one of the worst possible times (at least in our minds) to call on us to follow Him. Maybe you have 3 tests and a paper to finish by the end of the weekend, but He calls on you to go and help out with a short mission trip to Mexico. Maybe you had a horrible day, and your praise team leader decides to schedule a prayer meeting for the youth group. What ever the case may be, we know in our hearts what we should do. We KNOW we should just serve Him and everything will be alright. But this knowledge doesn't make anything any easier.

Why, then, is it so hard for most of us to just let go of our fears, worries, and doubts? It could be a lack of faith, right? I mean, if we have enough faith in our all powerful God, why would we ever worry about anything? But it could also be the human condition. God tells us not to worry in the bible. That means He knows that worrying is something we are prone to doing. If you search the phrase "do not worry" in a bible search online, you'll find at least 10 hits. God knows! He knows worrying is a HUGE issue.

So what, then is the solution? I mean, I assume that if you're supporting yourself, or have parents supporting you, it's a lot easier not to worry about things. But what if you have a family to support. What if you have huge responsibilities? How do you cast aside your fears that if you fail, the people who depend on you will be disappointed?

I guess, in the end, it's all about faith. Like He says, all the random animals that live around us are always provided for. He loves us way more than He loves a squirrel. So why wouldn't He provide for us? Why wouldn't He help us through any and all hardships that come our way?



Increase my faith

Facets

Everyone makes mistakes. No one is perfect. Yadda yadda...

So if we continue to fail to be satisfied in Him, what does that mean in terms of our relationship to God? Does that mean we don't believe in Him? Does it mean that we do not trust in Him? Are we not saved?


Even King David wasn't satisfied with God at times. He felt the need to take Bathsheeba as his wife. It didn't mean that David didn't believe in God. He was one of the greatest Kings to have ever lived. His life was led in worship to God (for the most part).

God knows every mistake we will ever make. He knows that we cannot ever live the life Jesus led. Yet, He still blesses us with Grace. He still loves us, knowing that we will not love him remotely the same. When He tells us not to worry, I think that He also meant not to worry about how we should live. Some people get so caught up in how to live a life that is pleasing to God... How to live life "right." Well, as humans, we are prone to fail in that area. And if we continue to worry about what is right, and what is wrong, we take away the aspect that is most important: Love. This is God's greatest commandment - to love. Wherever our relationship with God is, if we truly try to love one another, keeping God's will in mind, everything else falls into place. If we go around blessing everyone in our minds vs. cursing the driver who just cut us off on the freeway, we are fulfilling His commandment. Worrying is like standing idly. You think about all the possibilities of each action, but in the end, you're not actually DOING anything. Nothing happens except for the thoughts that whiz by in your head. God gave us free will to DO something.


So, go.