Reluctance

I heard a sermon about leadership last night. The pastor spoke about what it takes to be a leader (in a church setting). Many people ask God to use them in big ways without really understanding the depth of that prayer. God obliges, however, and may open many doors for people to step in as pastors, elders, teachers, etc. In a sense, God gives them a boost, so to speak. Everything is great when you start to lead people into God's love. However, this is just the "honeymoon period." As the months go by, you start to realize all the bad things your students/congregation bring to your ministry. You grow tired and weary of hearing the same people fail in the same ways. You want to harden your heart and just tell God to deal with them because you don't want to anymore.

This is kind of where I am right now. Not with my church kids, but with my friends. Fortunately (or unfortunately) for me, this is not the first time I have experienced this "weariness." There have been many times in my life that I have had to redefine my paradigm of what a friend is as a result of some disheartening event. Each time this occurs, I find that the rift between my friend schema and acquaintance schema grows wider. I experience a phase in which I feel like I have no more energy or desire to continue being a "good friend" to these people. I expend countless hours of time and energy helping them resolve their recurring issues, and I see no change. As a result, I feel no sense of accomplishment, no joy, no worth. I feel used, taken for granted, betrayed, abandoned... alone.

Do not be alarmed, however, as I am familiar with this downward spiral of suffocating thoughts. Soon enough, I emerge from the gloom of disappointment and resentment. For God has so blessed me with the inability to hold grudges. A "friend" may decide to disengage himself/herself from my life for months, years even, leaving me confused and hurt. But a single phone call, text, facebook wall post that invites me back into their lives is all it takes for me to forgive all. Sometimes, I wish that I could just isolate myself from people like this. Social butterflies, as some call them. I want to give up on them, forget about them, move on with my life. Alas, that is not how God wired me. I will always pick up where I left off without any hesitation. All the hurt that I felt will be pushed to the back of my head (but never forgotten) as I listen with a heart full of love to all the hardships that they may be facing, or a heart full of joy if they have been blessed during the moratorium of our relationship.

The pastor finished up his message with the story from Numbers chapter 16. Moses had every reason to give up on the people who betrayed him after all he had done for them. God wanted to punish them for their lack of faith and their arrogance. But Moses understand humility and begged for them to spared. While God still judged them, the point is the Moses never gave up on the Israelites despite all the crap they threw at him. That, is what a true leader is. God may give you a push in the right direction, but once you are at the podium, the only thing that will help you persevere is your own character. How you act when you are in the face of adversity, that is when your true character is revealed.

I am getting married in a little over a month. Crazy times, huh?